Well Bless Your Heart

 

 

Dear Minions,

 

I apologize for my lack of written communication.  In the past month I have quit my job, moved to Nashville, started a new job, and had to update my plans for taking over the world.  You see, things here in the south don’t quite work the same as they do up north.  So my life had to be updated accordingly.

 

Now, since I have moved, I have done nothing but judge those around me and question my choice to move.  The people here are a strange breed.  And to top it all off, they don’t get me.  At all.  My sarcasm and blatant lack of “ladylike qualities” have certainly gotten me a couple of wide eyed stares.  You would have thought that people in the south would LOVE a woman who says “FUCK” a lot.  Anywho, I have decided to enlighten you about the south with the use of my cynical observations.

 

People DO “mosey” here.  Mosey: Verb, to move in a leisurely, relaxed way.  In other words, people take their goddamn sweet ass time to do anything and everything.  Absolutely nothing is rushed and no one cares if you are on a schedule or time crunch.  This is has caused me to scream profanities on more than one occasion.  This seems to be most ubiquitous at stop signs.  People of the south ACTUALLY stop at stop signs.  And ACTUALLY wait the full 2 seconds before pushing on the accelerator.  This has caused me to spew so many curse words in succession; I may have, at one point, summoned Beetlejuice and Satan simultaneously.

When driving south, there should be a big fucking sign that says “Welcome to the bible belt… turn back while you still can!”    The other day, I was approached by a woman who looked to be 107 years old.  She walked towards me in a parking garage, her eyes lit with rage.  Confused (and slightly excited), I waited for her to scurry her way across level 5 and I was thoroughly disappointed when she didn’t slip and break a hip.  She quickly went into a rant on how I should not be allowed to drive my car in public due to the nature of my car emblems and bumper stickers.

The following are the reasons why most Christians don't like my car... or me:  Yes, that is a zombie chasing a family.    All Hail The Flying Spaghetti Monster!!  Darwin Fish.  T-Rex eating a Jesus fish.

The following are the reasons why most Christians don’t like my car… or me:
Yes, that is a zombie chasing a family.
All Hail The Flying Spaghetti Monster!!
Darwin Fish.
T-Rex eating a Jesus fish.

I tried to explain that just as she could be offended by my Darwin Fish, I could also be offended by a Jesus fish. Yet I did not feel the need to approach every Bible Thumping Christian on the road.  She proceeded to tell me that she clearly needed to pray for me.  My response: “You can pray for me, I’ll dance naked in the woods for you.”

 

Most vocabulary, verbiage, and adages do not make sense to me.  Such as:

  • A “buggy” is a shopping cart.
  •  If someone says “I’ll carry ya there”, they actually mean “I’ll show you where that is”, and it’s no reason to become defensive in thinking someone is going to touch you.  Automatically taking the ninja stance is probably not necessary.  I only wish someone would have informed me of this before I frightened that sweet little old man with my Kung Fu impersonation.
  • “Y’all” is singular, “All y’all” is plural, and “all y’all’s” is the plural possessive.
  • If you hear a southerner announce “Hey y’all, WATCH THIS!”… You should start videotaping because they’re about to become famous on YouTube.
  • If there is snow in the forecast, even a state away, it doesn’t matter.  School will be cancelled, the whole city will be on alert, and your presence is required at the local grocery store to purchase milk, eggs, and other things you already have in your home…. Just in case of a snow-pocalypse.
  • “Fixinto” is a word.  And no matter your education level, you will use this daily. As in “I’m fixinto go to lunch.”

 

With all that being said, welcome to the South.  Please set your clocks back 150 years.

3 thoughts on “Well Bless Your Heart

  1. Samantha Kitchel says:

    This rings so true! When Josiah and I lived in the Carolinas I felt so out of place! I just didn’t get the people. Anyway, you’ll figure them out 😀 Thanks for the giggle today!

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