If you know me at all, you know I hate babies. #babiesareassholes is probably my favorite hashtag. And by “hate”, I mean, I usually hate the screaming, smelly, poor parented toddler who you would rather beat with a stick rather than cuddle. I never understood the fascination with babies. I love when my friends have kids, well, because THEY are happy. And I am happy for them. But as for the “awwww, I just want to smooch it”…. nope not me. I have always thought babies looked like small, emotionless aliens. They smell, can’t make facial expressions, and their heads resemble Dan Aykroyd in Coneheads. I am in constant fear when holding one that I will drop it and somehow it will land perfectly on that soft spot and it will explode like a grapefruit. Yet, unlike a grapefruit, I can’t offer to buy the owner a new one at Whole Foods tomorrow morning. Or I could, but we probably wouldn’t be friends anymore.
So today while talking to my friend Abby about the joys of menstruation and birth control, babies were apparently the next topic on the discussion list.
Me: My baby space is FUCKING killing me. God damnit! Eve was a bitch. She ate that apple and I have to pay? What the shit?!?
Abby: Get on Depo, you won’t get cramps.
Me: Depo makes you gain weight, right? That’s the last thing the world needs. I’m already pissed off that I have to deal with this every month. Let’s just add 10 pounds to the equation and people can make bets on how quickly I kill someone for a piece of chocolate.
Abby: Some people gain weight, I lost weight…. years ago. BUT…. No periods!
Me: Yea that would freak me out. I like the period…ya know…to know..for sure. It’s like a miserable safety blanket. A crampy, nasty, miserable safety blanket.
Abby: **laughs** I guess. I don’t feel anything kicking, so I’m good….right?
Me: If YOU have a baby, it will probably lay silently, plotting the world’s demise… Wringing it’s tiny, creepy hands together like Mr. Burns.
Abby: Very true.
Me: Then, without notice, it would spring out from inside you. Like that creepy thing from the movie “Aliens”…. Give us the finger… And hopefully kill Justin Bieber on daytime television.