I have friends in spite of myself.

And this is how my friends and I communicate.

 

John: Wondering is “fully clothed, alone in bed, in complete darkness at 6:30 on a Friday” is a paint color I can get at Sherwin Williams?

 

Me: Be warned, I have a blog. This is going on it.

 

John: Haha. Support! In my defense, I took off one shoe before getting into bed.

 

Me: Does the one shoe negate the fact that you probably aren’t wearing clean underwear?

 

John: I am thinking that this conversation can only get sadder with pink wine. And they’re “clean”…That’s all the context you get.

 

Me: Well at least you are wearing underwear.

 

John: I mean I do have a job.

 

Me: And the Chinese guy in the dildo factory has a “job” too.

 

John: And god bless him. You realize that eventually our friendship will grow to the point that I will bitch about girls and you’ll have all new material?

 

Me: Don’t you already?

 

John: Well the girl I took to the wedding isn’t talking to me. It’s very frustrating. I was super gentlemanly. I even let her call me her husband when our highschool gym teacher decided to hit on her.

 

Me: And now nothing? Not even after saving her from a lifetime of gym shorts and foot powder?

 

John: RIGHT!?!?!

 

Me: Don’t worry, there are a lot more cunts in the sea.

 

John: God damn words to live by!

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